was conscious effort to be a *great* mother stifling to my first born?

Well, the show was a roaring success, so now my creative engines are stoked for a while.  Even if it means there’s more work than ever, the pressure is off.

 The baby was the belle of the ball at the company reception we hosted, and I couldn’t have been more pleased with her all week.  She is so laid back, friendly, and sweet.  Even waiting for baggage at the airport, people would walk by her and it was as if they were struck with a tiny bit of joy. It was amazing to see random strangers pass through her sunshine filter and invariably wind up smiling, even if just for a moment.

I feel at times saddened that I didn’t have this kind of time with Peter in his infancy.  He too was a beautiful baby who commanded attention by his mere intensity…his energy and beauty still attract people.  I don’t think I had the presence of mind to appreciate him as a baby as I could have, though I remember consciously affirming my gratitude toward having him with me, and making a real effort to embrace ever aspect of parenthood in the most loving way.  I was sure I would never have another child, so he was intentionally my sidekick and soulmate.  I wonder if that placed too much pressure on our relationship?  I feel like we are very close now, and have always been, but since Ella came into our lives I’m more relaxed with Peter.  We have truly witnessed his personality blossom lately.  I love him more and more every moment, still.  We enjoy each other more, I think.  Perhaps he feels less pressure to be my perfect child?  Perhaps I feel less pressure to be a *great* mother?  Maybe I have finally found what it means to be a mother now that I am older, and a stepmother, and a wife as well.

 It’s a good thing for me, learning who I am.  It’s a good thing for my children, too.  The pressure is off.

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